April 2nd

And all I can think is, “Thank god April Fool’s Day online is over.”

Seriously, Internet, you all fucking did it horrifically wrong.

That Google autopilot thing? Made me want to kill my Gmail and go back to Microsoft Outlook. Yes, I’d have to deal with terrible search functionality, but the downside of living in the cloud is that you have to be ready for the rain of crappy whenever Google decides to drop it on you.

Sarah and I listened to a Radio Lab episode this weekend that convinced me that Darwinism is over, due to the fact that we can now control biological engineering (to a point) and so competition as it had existed for a few billion years is no longer necessary. I would like to add to that argument that April Fool’s Day is no longer necessary, because the Internet has completely murdered the entire idea of being clever.

From here on out, the greatest prank I’ll ever see are people pulling the wool over the April Fool’s True Believers’ eyes and making them all realize that pulling an AF joke is the same as being the hugest band/theater/whatever-lame-thing-you-were-into-back-then geek in high school ever.

At any rate, new rule – if you’re thinking about pulling an April Fool’s joke next year, think back and take a second to ask yourself, “Does this make me look like Edward Norton in the beginning of Fight Club?”

If it takes you more than two seconds to answer, “No! I figured out the one new original thing!” kill yourself and put it in your will to have your head delivered to me. I’m starting a collection of deterrence on my balcony.

Hosting OFFICE SPACE

So this past Sunday we had the opportunity to co-present the OFFICE SPACE 1o year anniversary and reunion. There were a lot of fun moments, from getting drunk with Samir at Club Deville, to Sarah and I  riding in the limo with Samir and Michael Bolton before they got out to smash the fax machine, to watching Brian the happy waiter do all sorts of karaoke at the Alligator Grill where all the Chotchkie’s scenes were filmed.

But the highlight for me personally was definitely the thrill of being able to be up on stage with all of the stars, moderating one of the most fun Q&A’s of my career so far. Part of that fun was the straight up thrill of hosting in the Paramount, of course, but even more fun was the way we all ended up positioned on the stage:

It’s a little hard to see us all the way off in the left of the frame in this shot, but that’s John C. McGinley standing to my right. He’s one of the Bobs in OFFICE SPACE, but to SCRUBS viewers, he’s all Dr. Cox. And as SCRUBS viewers know, Dr. Cox is an awesome control freak who likes to tell the ex-intern J.D. what to do all the time. J.D., meanwhile, just wants to earn Cox’s approval.

Well, during the Q&A, I basically became J.D. Whenever there was a question that was kinda off the point, or when someone did the, “I’ve got a two-part question” kind of bullshit, McGinley would lean over in my ear and say things like, “Cut that guy off. He doesn’t get two questions,” or, “Wow. That question was horrible. Don’t pick people like that again.” He was right every time, of course, but it still made me all sorts of nervous.

Fortunately, after the whole thing ended he actually pulled me aside to say that he thought I’d done a really good job. J.D. wins!

And friends of the theater from TexasGeek.TV took video of the whole Q&A, if this stirring account wasn’t enough for you, you can check that out here.

Dicks in a Box

I posted this to the Alamo blog already, but in case you don’t read that I figured it was a good fit for this one, too.

Last night after the Xmas Pops Sing-Along, we went Renegade Caroling, where we’d go around downtown, pick out one random person, and sing to them as loud as we could. I was hoping to chase the street preachers off the corner by the Ritz, but they weren’t there that night.

So instead, we went down to Esther’s Follies, and after we sang “All I Want For Christmas Is You” outside the theater, they asked us to come inside and onto the stage to sing another song.

We decided to sing “Dick in a Box.”

Meet Me In the Clouds

A lot of Austin is in pretty thick fog today, but waking up this morning on the 21st floor was more surreal than it’s been in a long time. Instead of just being in fog, my place was pretty much inside the cloud.

Either that, or it was about to be swallowed by The Nothing.

There used to be buildings there! God damn, The Nothing terrified me as a kid.

Hockey Santa!

I mean, sure, he’s not as good as Hockey Jesus, but at least he’s out on the ice alone and not molesting an elf or something.

Some Christians Are Awesome

I mean, they’re still crazy, but this website about Christian wives who want to make sure they experience every aspect of God’s love through as much depravity as the Bible will allow is pretty great.

Some highlights, courtesy of Holy Taco, which “turned me on” to this site in the first place:

“Since the Bible doesn’t give us a ‘Thou shalt not participate in anal sex with your spouse’ commandment, we take it as to mean that God wants us to use our own judgment on it.”

“There are two different articles on our blog that I want to refer you to. One was written by my sister in Christ, Cumingirl who wrote Anal Sex: What Does the Bible Say and also another perspective from my sister in Christ, Cinnamonsticks, who wrote Anal Sex: Weighing Your Options.”

“Of course I love making love to my husband. But there are occasionally those times where it’s just not convenient. So what happens if, during one of these scenarios, your husband is still in need? Maybe it’s been a while since he last came. Maybe he needs a release to help reduce stress. “

“From what you wrote, it sounds like you and your future husband may be masturbating together and that you are experiencing an orgasm with him in some matter. I may have misunderstood, but if that is the case I would encourage you to consider whether you have overstepped an appropriate line in purity.”

“You asked about men shaving because you say you are interested in giving oral attentions to his testicles. What a wonderful thing to do!”

“Some couples are into another practice known as Snowballing. This is when the wife gives oral sex and saves the semen in her mouth. Then she kisses her husband and shares the semen with him. Although some couples may see this practice as unappealing or unusual, it certainly isn’t sinful.”

Snowballing = Jesus approved!

Drunk Cowboy at a Wedding

So over the weekend, Sarah and I went to a Rodeo Wedding. She has a fairly complete and incredibly sweet depiction of the event up on her blog, but due to the high traffic she gets over there, sometimes she has to be a little more gentle with things that she posts. And because she’s a good person, she doesn’t point her video camera at unfortunate people being caught in their most hilariously embarrassing moments.

Fortunately, I’m not a good person, and I revel in pointing my camera at people looking their worst. I think it’s funny.

So first off, take a look at the lead singer for the cover band at the event. This picture shows him at his most unflattering, except that you can’t hear him sing, which would make you think he was even sadder:

But the real reason for this post is that I found the video I took of an old cowboy who fell on the floor when he got too excited by the awesomeness of the band, and then decided to stay on the floor, because the dancing turned out to be just as good down there.

more about “Drunk Cowboy at Wedding on Vimeo”, posted with vodpod
The best part is the other young guy who’s just sitting there filming him, not offering to help at all. Yeah for generation Facebook!

And I promise that one day I’ll figure out why I’m the only one who can’t get Vimeo to embed in my WordPress pages.